Elections have a way of making us feel divided. With so much emphasis on our differences, we lose sight of what we share.
The truth is that we are all deeply connected. This is not an abstract idea, but a fact of life. I saw it with blinding clarity the moment I first held my son, so small, so vulnerable, so perfect. Then I imagined my father holding me, and his father before him.
The continuous chain of life is so obvious when you take the time to look.
Why do we spend so much energy defining our differences? When you boil it down we all have the same human needs: food, shelter, warmth, love.
This election, I’m voting for positive human connection; not just in those times when I’m sharing a pot of tea with people I love, but also during those inevitable situations when I’m dealing with people and we don’t see eye to eye.
Here’s a simple practice for developing positive human connection–even when it’s hard.
Three Steps to a Deeper Connection
Step 1: Unplug.
Shut off the phone. Close the laptop. Turn off the radio. Unplug the TV and game console. We are drowning in an infinite sea of information. The first step to developing a genuine connection is to be present, and to be present we have to shut off the noise. When possible, it’s great to share a meal, and some tea. Nourishing our bodies helps break the ice and builds an immediate common ground.
Step 2. Listen.
I once heard a nun say that the leader of her order would let her go to a multi-faith conference only if she was ready to convert.
This baffled me at first, and then I got it.
When you listen, authentically try to understand what you are hearing. Let go of your beliefs, if only for a moment, and imagine that the speaker is not only being honest, but also is absolutely correct.
Step 3. Speak From Your Heart.
I asked my five year-old son where his thoughts came from, and he said, “My heart tells my mouth what to say!”
Use this breathing exercise to improve your mind-heart communication.
1. Put your hand on your heart.
2. Breathing in, count to 4.
3. Hold for 4 seconds.
4. Breathing out, count to 8.
5. Repeat 4 times.
6. Try to feel your heart beating under your hand.
7. Your words have power, and once spoken cannot be unspoken. When you are ready, speak what is kind and true.
What are your strategies for being open in difficult conversations? For collaborating with people when you don’t see eye to eye? Let me know—please share your experiences in the comments below!
In gratitude,
Jesse Jacobs
P.S. To celebrate this election, we’re offering a free cup of chai, today only (Nov. 6, 2012), when you bring a friend to one of our SF Lounge locations. Mention this email to redeem your gift!
Great post! We need some deep breathing on a day like this…. My best strategy for being open/authentic in difficult conversations is to use the framework by Marshall B. Rosenberg who wrote “Non-violet Communication” often referred to as Conscious Communication. I highly recommend the book and the approach which teaches to 1) share observations of the difficult situation factually 2) share how you feel in relation to the situation w/o labels on the other 3) what our needs are that aren’t currently being met because of the situation 4) and a request of the other to specifically address our needs. They key is you have to detach from the outcome, the other may not agree to meet any needs, but focusing on facts, avoiding labels and making a clear request diffuses the reactivness, defensiveness and opens up listening and problem solving vs. bickering. I hope you or others find it the framework useful.
Thank you for your blog. After reading “Why Rituals Matter: My Daily Tea Ritual” and your approach on being in the present moment, it gave me a different perception about Samovar Tea Lounge. It is nice to see someone behind a business that cares and does everything from a place of love and care for others.
For all my character flaws, I think my greatest has always been a difficulty not with understanding other’s perspectives in times of conflict, but with truly empathising with those perspectives. By nature, I am always quick to point out the ‘irrationality’ of another’s point of view, whilst emphasising the logic of my own argument – which of course never gets one far. Softening that innate intolerance is something I constantly strive to work on.
The likes of Gandhi and the Dalai Lama who, regardless of the intolerance of their opponents, never wave(d) from their commitment to understand, to empathise and to respect their opponents perspectives; and who were, like you suggest profoundly aware of our deep human connection, always act as a great inspiration to me. Tempered with Aristotle’s sage words, “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it” and I find that I’m not quite as dogged in my views these days; and consequently of course, a great deal happier in my relationships.
Your “I once heard a nun say…” story highlighted yet again to me, how easy it is to go through the motions…to read, to listen to someone on a superficial level, and yet to not truly make the effort to appreciate what’s being said. Many thanks.